You laid the facts straight out down the line without a hint of self-pity or confusion about your rights as an individual, or as a mother. 1. He hates most people. Everything that has been stated here is exactly what Ive been through. And for the past year+ I have asked him repeatedly to tell me what made him so angrywhat can I do to make it upcant we work at thisand he has yet to tell meInstead, said hes never coming back, could never work, wont see me and talk face to face, and now fading away again (no calls no texts). I can only make choices for my self. Its perfect in every way. Also as far as a male role model he has blamed all the men at our church for our problems and we are now going to a different church whice actually has much older and stronger marriages, but will this work with someone he doesnt know very well to hold him accountable? He feels no guult and does dent his bisexual lifesyle. You need to start today. So, in a way, it is a choice. I was speechless. And also there might be a difference in willingness to open up. This time I was able to enjoy myself, keep busy and not think too much about why, I finally understand it isnt me, I understand his narcissism, after immersing myself for past 10 years, it still hurts though, I hope someday, the hurt will go away. Through this Blog it has become to Clear. Ultimately thats whats important if the percentages are ok, My wife been back&4th for all our marriage. I am Liberal thinking person and positive too until I get around her and her negativity!She is constantly pointing out my shortcoming while I reserve my feelings about her shortcomings.. its as if she is talking me out of our relationship! I was!!! Click here for instructions on how to enable JavaScript in your browser. I realised my husband is always trying to prove what a good guy he is to everyone. What a joke. My family and friends did not expect me to make it out of my marriage alive. He is 40 years old and although we are living separately, my choice, he wishes for us to move to Australia together. Yes, he blamed me for ruining our relationship. Ive told him a ton of times, it takes two and there I go again pointing out the hurtful things he did. Boundary #3: Mistreatment will not be responded to with kindness, overexplaining yourself or increased attention, but rather a withdrawal of investment, time, and energy. Ridiculous. Again be matter of fact and say that you are concerned that they understand how serious this is and deal responsibly with how dangerous his behaviour has become. She can do so much better and deserves so much better. Somehow, we r having a long distance relation now, that makes it even more difficult to manage. How do we build trust, if my N is not willing to keep a promise? New phase, new job, not drinking, instead taking adder all for his ADD he became obsessed with new job working with his parentsthey can be a toxic at times. They are perfect for him.his puppets. The narcissist's inability to act conscientiously in a relationship illuminates his or her lack of empathy. But Id love to hear him say he wanted to work on it again. I have found out who I am, what I need to do for me and to protect my children. 2. He spins everything to make me wrong and him right. Hes always telling me how to run my life, deal with my kids etc yet I cannot speak to him about any issues he has.Im supposed to be the good wife, just be there, just listen etc and if Im having a problem and hes got the time hes all ears and all opinions (un wanted opinions too) yet when he wants to hear none of it, he has too much on his mind already, he has no time for the crap he becomes hurtful and nastyhes like a jekyll and hydeloving and caring one minute dont bother me with this crap other timesI feel so confused and tired of walking on eggshells and I could write novels about all the different things he gets mad about but I am never ever to be upset with himhe always has a way to defend his actions or justify themHe should have been a lawyer. For partners of the Narcissist, it is important to improve setting boundaries and holding the Narcissist accountable for their behaviour. Perhaps hes just a 2 on the scale of 1-4, but hes still a 2, and it still is very difficult to live with. I told you I would lend you half of the repo and you had to pay half, which I did. It means that someone needs to read your post before it is displayed that is usually me but not always if I am busy (-: We do that to make sure abusive comments are kept off this blog and that this is a safe place! I have come to understand that there are some people that unless sacrafice is made, they may never know what true good in life they can have. Im already doing that. 17) You accused me time and time again of cheating on you. Only through Gods grace can I continually forgive him over and over. Or is cutting off sex simply the same as threatening to leave him? His needs, concerns, and issues are everything. What is response? totally convinced her that he would take care of her til she died yeah put her in rest home and she never came out. [], Your email address will not be published. Ive allowed my husband to twist and manipulate, not be held accountable for most of it. My advice if you are in a relationship with a nar, get out and dont let them manipulate you back in. According to him, I must have been lying to the government and immigration, and even in court called me a bitch. Trying to be honest? (Still do in my heart, although head says differently.). He rejects Jesus and has become like a god himself with supporters who validate him. Kim, thank you for taking a leadership role and sharing with us what worked for you! There are men out there who also face these issues and not all of them are strait. Good luck, and let us hear from you from time to time. Positive attention is great for the narcissist but negative attention is crucial to their ability to hold you accountable. I am still married and my husband and i are now really good friends so that had a happy ending. Thanks for All you do & continue to do for all of us that struggle with this challenge. Trust will start being built when your partner begins to see that you are capable of protecting your own interests and that you are not scared of doing what you need to do to stand up for yourself calmly and with deliberation without abandoning them or using emotional manipulation to try and get your way. He even told the marriage counselor he couldnt promise (an affair) wouldnt happen again! 7 Alexia Demidova The Truth: Once you know, you know and can never unlearn it. Oh yes! I also bought the codependency book. My friend (who once was my lover) always blames me when we fight and then breaks it off for awhile. If I leave, considering I have a narcissist for a father, and loved 3 other narcisst including the one I now love more than all the others combinedIm doomed to end up with another narcissist. I do believe he misses meand he loves me as much as he is able to love, but this disability is cyclicand I am much too aware of his cycles. When such small things happen occasionally in a relationship, they might be overlooked. They use name-calling, making fun of people, putting others down, judging. Is it worth making then accountable for that? A director on the chamber of commerce. Its not a break up. I hope that you can turn this marriage around like you did your last! Did not EVER think he would leave me. Moved in with me and 6 months later started choking me, beating me, humiliating and belittling. He still works very closely with the woman he had an affair with for two years and I need that relationship ended even if it isnt an affair I feel it is still too close and too much She has a cookie business, that he controls of course. I constantly remind myself of this. (6) he steals my personal data and every photo I have ever had off of my cell phones I have never given him permission. Kim has also said this. Narcissists can only play the game they do if the people around them allow themselves to be deceived by their lies. Mine has just finished with me saying that he cannot deal with my mood swings. Ive become a new strong women and he has become a new man. And this already had effects. Its sad he has used one old gal to get her home. Meanwhile the lunatics are still carrying on the same as before, just with whoever will tolerate them, those poor people have my sympathy. Would the more dominate one win out or would they x each other out? To shut down a narcissist, you have to be more prepared than . To all those good people out there, keep looking for the help you need, get a good support team around you and as my brother says to me, Take a cement pill and harden up He wasnt being unkind, just realistic. Avoid challenging a narcissist's opinion or point of view. I find the advise you offer well intentioned but in my situation my relationship is over. I was diagnosed with cancer in 2003 and then again in 2007. Cuz hes made himself King? Everything is subtle. Sonia. There is life with or without your Nar. This is soo much information but I cannot wait to make some changes. I told him that I needed him to make decision by tonite which ofcourse he didnt like at all. Id meant to say in that last sentence that id text him to say I was tired and hence grumpy that bubs wasnt sleeping.he told me to drink concrete and harden up it was my choice to have the baby, hed have had an abortion. She was the kindest most loving, giving person I had ever been with.. until she wasnt anymore. Ive had to learn to detach rather than focus on atttachment. How can we summon up the courage, maintain an empathically attuned state of. He was an illusion all along. I want to convey acceptance in this new activity which is actually appropriate but is not leaving time for us or home responsibilities. Questions upon questions, leading to more unanswered questions. He left me to clean up the problems (getting myself released etc). This is a good thought-provoking article, and the discussions following it are even more interesting. A thought becomes action. 6 Secrets The Narcissist Hopes You Never Learn - Thought Catalog I know I have the strength to give him more than I expect to get from him. Should I stop saving him by having sex with him when I dont feel like it because of his behavior? When getting orders for your second deployment you told me that you didnt feel it would be ok for you to pay for your part of the car payment if you were not going to drive it. And it went too far once, already, he has had an affair. I need to know how to respond or do I respond? I have purchased all the books here and recommend them highly. That money was for her college fund. Kim, in response No. Thank you for giving me the hope that you do give Kim it is so refreshing!!! He was a leach and a parasite and I didnt need nor do i want him back. From that second I met her I wanted her. But how can I do it . They changed my attitude not his right away.. The child's feelings and reality will not be acknowledged. And do narcissists project more than the average bear? [6 Tactics] Narcissist's Lack of Accountability in Relationships 6 Treatment might include cognitive behavioral therapy, or medicine to help reduce mood. I am very fortunate and lucky to be alive. Also ask the CPS for assistance and any numbers can give you. When I speak up he makes me out to be the crazy one! 14) When it was your daughters birthday keep in mind she is 8 and I was worried about you not buying her a present and letting her know you loved her. Leopards never change their spots, they just get darker and he is up to all his old tricks and then some. Ive had to allow my spouse to suffer the consequences of his behavior many many times and he continues to make the same ones over and over again. One clear warning of what will result if their behaviour continues and then action. 5) During that second move, you got mad at me again and watched my 11 year old daughter who had been on her feet for two days, with 4 hours of sleep and having a cold. Thanks for your counseling and sharing. It will serve as a reminder that you too are in control of things. Ironic, isnt it, how many stories there are and yet in the midst of such circumstances we can feel so isolated. He HAS improved, but his basic method of interaction is still unempathetic bullying, put-downs, anger, outbursts, only occasionally considering my needs and concerns, and not being accountable for the little things in life. He resented me for ever requesting counseling or that I expected him to continue to keep his word. Over all control of the money. I understand the accountable methods u suggested, done it that way in spme situations. But I just feel like Im still the one doing all the work. Go figure) Well we have been arguing for months now about the fact that he wants to Do this together but he wont make any decisions as to the details of doing it together financially and we end up fighting every time we talk about it. Pride kills humility. Once he stopped the aderall i could see manipulating, the narassium. Have you tried instead of putting some effort into your relationship, like ask not what you want rather what you are prepared to give have you tried calling him and just saying I didnt hear from you so i called you up instead it may be possible that you both have expectations of each other yet will not humble yourselves to give to the relationship. My head understands that his efforts and love were nothing but manipulation. As for the promise, I finally had to stand my ground. Think of it like this you can choose to feed . No wonder I could not communicate with my husband! I saw that and I used that knowledge to my advantage. Hi Kim, thanks for the response. Some days I am so glad that he is gone I could scream others days I really miss his presence not him. Thank you. Kim, what is the natural consequence for ongoing, deliberate, hostile silence that is simply meant to punish? . Jackie, you hit it so head on. Having a very down night about it. How To Break Up With Someone Toxic/Narcissistic Safely - And Never Look This had 2 effects. Sometimes I wish Id die and just get it over with. We had a huge fight the other night have not really spoken in 3 days. He makes real good money but tells me he works his ass off for me because I quit my job and hurt us. I totally adored him and over time his constant jibes, judgement, derogatory comments, nicknames, mocking and humiliation took its toll on my confidence. lets talk about his controlling ability. Hide nothing and do the best with what you have, but never, NEVER, accept the responsibility for your Nar behaviors. The good thing I have taken care of many members but most of all this is how I have withstand being married to a man like this for this long. I love this! I have no idea what goes on there and he has take. 29 years has taken its toll, it is not easy at all trying to get mentally healthy myself, while protecting myself from further hurt from my husband. These consist of circular conversations, arguments, projection, and gaslighting to disorient you and get you off track. We have to stop becoming fuel for these types of people. Hed rather throw love away (or so it seems) than keep it together by being honest, and being kind. He would have some way of getting them to do what he wanted and leading them to believe that they were his all time best friend. Hi Butterfly, You cannot depend on promises because this leaves all of your power in someone elses hands. Anyones behaviour can seem selfish, irresponsible and mean if it isnt what the other person thinks it should be. They get furious when you seek answers to just about anything. You should also make it clear in this report that you fear this may be a symptom of the medication he has been prescribed. I worked through all your books, eagerly. Non sexual but emotional. Healing From A Narcissistic Parent - 7 Practical Strategies I stopped wanting him to respect me, my sacrifices, and started asking myself to do it. I am sure you did all you could and I am sorry that you feel so angry and disappointed I hope that understanding and time brings you healing. He is a deeply insecure person when it comes to intimacy. It is down to only about 50% of the time being the disordered personality. None did any good. THIS is Why Narcissists Refuse to be Accountable - Kim Saeed Your idea may work but it may also be hard for you to make him carry through on when he gets home. The majority of them do not change. Life got really calm, respectful and enjoyable. Your indifference is their kryptonite. Love on yourself. One thing that was powerful for me was to tell me friend about others loving me. Confused. I really love him , and after pulling things back together, I feel weak , and I dont know how to handle him or myself. he of course was perfect and still is. I just wonder what percentage of the male population is like this? Relation was ok, he has done many things which I know now were just leading up to hell. For how to get in control of a double life, I really dont see any chance. To add perspective he was not in communication around the birth, claiming the number on his old phone didnt transfer correctly (hed moved to NZ a few months earlier but hadnt told me, I heard from a friend of his, and I got in contact with him looking up surnames in the phonebook as I knew hed be living with his Dad) and his reason for not emailing me..his stepmother was always on the computer and so he couldnt! Forget needing him to be sorry that is a losers game and only got things to where they are now. You cringe as you swipe your card to buy a coffee without getting approval from the narcissist first. I will be cancer free for five years in September! No matter how soul destroying this type of relationship can be, your experience of this disorder being incurable is not ours and the DSM has also recently been updated to change their position on this. Hi. So yesterday I brought Monica a new cheque, wrote my phone number on the envelope, told her from now on she is to call me that he is busy at work to take such calls. The narcissist should be held accountable to most of his actions, even taking into account his sometimes uncontrollable rage and the backdrop of his grandiose fantasies. If he gets caught off guard when the police question him what is he going to say, that you keyed your own car?. Nothing will convince them or change them. That means I do as much as possible to surround myself with loving people, things I like to do, and time for myself to process everything in my life. I understand the need of getting these things off your chest. This is painful stuff to deal with emotionally, spiritually and financially. Though I have not seen much online regarding this, I wonder if their bond with children is because these men are also very delicate and child likethat they dont understand their own emotions, and have no self reflection. If you want to reconnect with him and hes willing, its is going to take more work on your part than you ever imagined anybody should do for another. I think that is why i am attracted to these kind of people. Well, we choose USA because of the lesser age discrimination at the work place we are both over 50. I have pictures, clear pictures to prove it. My friends would even try to be her friend instead of mine ones they had met her. He actually even said,or yelled, the whole world is wrong there is nothing wrong with me. He has made threats to kill his biological daughter and her family. Kim, I totally agree with this article and after dealing with this type of behavior for 34 years of marriage I know this method works great. Ohhh my God- I wish I had found this website and this article in the early stages of my marriage. I really think that Kim & Steves ebooks Back From The Looking Glass and The Love Safety Net Workbooks would benefit you, even with the separation. It is a relief to find this page. Good luck xx. 11 Ways to Confuse and Disarm a Narcissist. It took 2-3 years and Ive moved on, but the apology from him finally gave me the closure I needed. Thank you Ann and Marie. I have tried to work thru this with him and have seen a small improvement thanks to the advise from Kim and steve but he is so beyond any reality and reasoning that I have to do what is best for my children and myself. It has been a terribly difficult 3 years, but understanding I had to stop being the victim & use techniques Ive learned through you and others, has helped. I tried so hard and have read all your ebooks but nothing worked until i have just said enough is enough. That was my on feeling of insecurity. Kevin, the reason people can go on with their lives hurting others is because most people let them. He never leaves them unattended and puts so much pressure on them not to want to see me. Your solutions have always been the right way to handle my N husband. I insulted him, I judge him, I made his life miserable for some time. Welcome my channel! 13) I found a house, got a loan and bought it and had to use my life insurance savings to pay for the down payment. If they knew how much really love them, they wouldnt be so damn narcissistic I thinkbut when your heart cant feel, it does not know when they are being lovedeverything to them is rejection. We later talked about it and agreed that he would ask for a time out if he felt uncomfortable in an argument with me, so he would have time to let the anger out by running a view blocks for example. Be strong and dont give up or give in. Ofcourse that did not go over well. Narcissists move on to distract themselves, prey on a new source of attention, or punish you. Then if your warning has no effect, step out of the way and let life teach them the lesson they have coming. I have been married 36 years and most of my married life has been filled with sadness and anger. I did go to counseling but he wouldnt go, after cancer treatment, diagnosis, physical abuse,life of pornography and affairs. He will call me up, complain about work and when I tell him maybe he should try to work it out this way, I get lectured about its his job and should I expect him to go fight with his boss? The fact that Im still doing the same thing with someone who isnt at all interested shows me that even if I met someone new, I dont know if I can try your suggestions. More importantly, they have no affective empathythe ability to feel what another person is feelingmuch less have compassion for others. Still not enough he then decided to leave on New Years eve to go with his daughter to Hastings (leaving me alone and my daughter with her dad) but months later I realized he went with his ex wife and daughter to Hastings because he couldnt cope with my outbursts. I have been in a relationship with someone suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder for 14 years. I did not understand how I was allowing others to have such unhealthy control over me. Remember its ok to be alone and in these cases its better to be alone. I am looking for feedback hereI want to work on myself. It just goes to show that there are no single answers. Hi, Ill set boundaries. Ok, comeback lines for the provocation mentioned before, Kim ideas are welcome: He (saying that doing a favour for one of his attractive female colleagues saved his day, sighing): X, what you are saying hurts me and it reminds of your affair and I instantly feel afraid that you will do this again. He has drained it! Dear Michelle, (Comment 48) He expects respect. He calls me stupid bitch and screams in my face. For instance, it's important to hold the narcissist accountable when he acts condescending, selfish, controlling, or downright mean. I used to get sucked into the chaos and then anything I said or did was magnified. After 16 years I am done. After twenty-eight years of this, I feel used up and find it difficult to persevere. They Hold Grudges & Harbor Resentment. How to hold a Narcissist accountable.Holding a Narcissist