I turned to a man who had been waiting alongside me the whole time and said, Sir, how long have you been waiting?, He looked at his watch and said, Since last year. Misir Doobay, Toronto. The odds that I got mugged twice last year because I look like the kind of guy that would calculate those odds? 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes This bloke said to me: Im going to attack you with the neck of a guitar. I said: Is that a fret? You wont believe these hilarious job ads actually ran! ", "I don't know, but the flag's a big plus. ", "If life givesyou melons, you might be dyslexic. The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he rattled off his sales pitch so quickly that I couldnt get a word in. Professor of Logic Merch: https://www.redbubble.com/people/robtzn/shop?asc=uFollow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sparkleforesst If you liked that joke, youll get a kick out of these hilarious thesaurus mistakes. Next week is his First Communion., I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached Gods holy word. Why did I have to learn what a rhombus is? Sometimes I wish I was a bird so I could fly over certain people and shit on their heads., 40. Men are like Blackberries. When the Tooth fairy comes to your house she takes your tooth and gives you money. 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes Whats that big brass gong for? asked the friend. One day I had to call someone about a late book entitled Dont Forget: Easy Exercises for a Better Memory. Submitted by Fred Meckley, A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him. You know, youre a real jerk when youre drunk, Superman., Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. I once had a teacher with a lazy eye. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. She was so ugly she could trick or treat over the telephone. Will I die? she asks. A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. Me: Yes. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. What does the word contemplate mean? the college student asked his English professor. A bowl full of mice-cream. Relive the history of the world in dumb jokes. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west! Rodney Dangerfield. The wife says that yes, he could. What does a nosy pepper do? The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. But hay its in my jeans. Selling doors, door-to-door. Bill Bailey. A vegan said to me, People who sell meat are gross!, I said, People who sell veggies are grocer. Adele Cliff, comedian. [Read: 60 creative insults to intellectually insult someone with sarcasm and leave everyone around laughing]. Marie Faustin, comedian. My Uncle G: Youre going to pay $500 to jump out of a perfectly good plane? Except at a funeral.Demetri Martin, A guy walks into a dentists office and says, I think Im a moth., The dentist replies, You shouldnt be here. A: One, but he waits until the last minute to cram it in. Is that you?. Ill never part with it!. These smartlight bulb jokes are truly illuminating. Reddit.com, If I worked in a used record store, I would tell every customer that all sales are vinyl. This moment of friction gifts you access into your partners interior, their map of pain points and insecurities, as well as insights into your own patterns and beliefs. Laughfactory.com, Anyone want to buy some exercise equipment? Fo drizzle! These hilarious golf jokes are better than a hole in one. Is it true, she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? Yes, Im afraid so, said the doctor. Alyshah Mehdi, a 19-year-old from Karachi, Pakistan, has been friends with a guy named Shayyan for a while, but lately, they've had "beef going on" between them, she told BuzzFeed News. I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket? While rummaging through the boats provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. Want more of the best Readers Digest jokes of all time? A dog is a bitch, dogs bark. No, it doesnt. Yes, it does. Monica Hesse, writer, A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! 78. '", "Why did the old woman fall into the well? I just sold a screenplay for $200,000. Your mileage may vary. Im going back to living my fabulous life before you interrupted it to remind me that there are still assholes in this world., 20. Crocker, you are just fine!. Startled, the driver went through a red light and almost hit a bus before he pulled over. These hilarious jokes about marriagewill crack you up. The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined. Theseclever jokescould make anyone sound smart! It was a long, dramatic, drawn-out way of telling us to shut-up. Get Your Laugh on with these funny redneck sayings: He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Ten years go by and its one monks first chance. Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not Milton Jones, What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Submitted by Joyce Tenhage, A friend who had just turned 50, and couldnt quite deal with that fact, was wearing a T-shirt that said, Im not 50! The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Those are the umlauts.Submitted by David Wong, While going through his deceased fathers things, a man found a 25-year-old claim stub for a shoe repair. I laughed at all of your jokes My love you didn't need to coax Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried anymore . Think about it, the professor answered. Sometimes you just want to make somebody laugh, but are pushed for time. When Im done, poof! He got out three times to go to the bathroom., When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.Henry Youngman, A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. So, as you can see, I said, Im doing a lot more than inflating at my desk. I got the raise. Have trouble making it to the punchline? Whats it called? [Read: 101 savage good comebacks for every witty, funny or rude comeback], 1. Me: 2011. After a few minutes, the bird yells, Wheres my scotch? 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life The Hepatitis Bee. Milton Jones, Hedgehogs why cant they just share the hedge? Dan Antolpolski, The pollen count, now thats a difficult job. ), I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips The head monk, says, You make a good point, my son.. ' . If you open a space up for me, I swear Ill give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday., Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. I choose round. Sarah Millican, My wife its difficult to say what she does. Sir! Everyone can relate to these funny tweets about technology. These hilarious DIY jokes will bring down the house! It's stopped twerking. Dont blame me for your stupidity, take that up with your mom and dad, 49. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. Whats E.T. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. I also wrote a novel and got a $50,000 advance from the publisher. That cushion softens the blow when the inevitable bad stuff hits: misunderstanding, frustration, and disconnection. They make up everything. The fact that hed been dead for 40 years didnt sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?, Well, yes, she said reluctantly. I steal food from humans. "What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland? Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. ._2a172ppKObqWfRHr8eWBKV{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:8px}._39-woRduNuowN7G4JTW4I8{margin-top:12px}._136QdRzXkGKNtSQ-h1fUru{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin:8px 0;width:100%}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_{font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_,._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{margin-left:auto}._1-25VxiIsZFVU88qFh-T8p{padding:0}._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor)} Do you own a doghouse? Check out our bestshort jokes! Hes not breathing and his eyes are glazed. Literally nothing is rhombus shaped. He never did any of that!, I tried having my mothers phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dads name, hed have to be the one to put in the request. You couldn't hit the broadside of a barn from inside the barn. Good luck figuring out which one., 28. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. They always take things literally. Submitted by Dan Upham, I have always been a disappointment. I find it helpful to look at a distinction I use all the time in my clinical work and teaching: intent versus impact. Submitted by Greg Madden. Two whales walk into a bar. You couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery, He couldn't get his hole in a barrel of fannies._3K2ydhts9_ES4s9UpcXqBi{display:block;padding:0 16px;width:100%} Awesome! he shouts. A: A steeping bag. Thats why this suit is only $30., Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suits left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. What else do you want? Id love to have a red Porsche, he says. The good stuff includes deep conversations, fun times together, laughter, and play. But it was me first day with the hook.. Im having a heart attack, cries the woman. You cross my mind only on Thursday morning. I would love to insult you, but I wouldnt do as well as nature did, 50. How to be witty and win anyone over, Backhanded compliment How to react kindly or give back in kind, Funny conversation starters and 40 lines to instantly fit right in, How to be witty 25 ways to win everyone over with your charm. I was involved in very organised crime. Milton Jones, I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper dicing with death. Tim Vine. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. Dont miss these funny tweets every parent can relate to. Sadly, female airline pilots are still relatively rare. So we stopped playing chess. Matt Kirshen. 1. You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat. He tells the priest that on Friday night, hed been in the bar when he met a young woman. I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Shave my head.Submitted by Abdulmajeed Mamudu, Two criminals are taking a walk deep in the woods one dark night. Submitted by Ryan George, Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. A blind man visits Texas. He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.. She glares at the other little boy and asks, What do you want for breakfast? I usually work the evening shift, finishing close to 11:30 p.m. For more groan-worthy humour, find out what would happen if the person who named walkie-talkies named everything. Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be, How to Talk to Your White Male Partner About Race, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. Never trust atoms. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners Impress a history buff with these hilarious history jokes. That's why it's helpful to have a good one-liner in your back pocket. I've only got myshelf to . Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Thats when I realized he was her favourite twin. She then reassured him by adding, Now, if you do everything Ive told you, you wont be with us for long.. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?, 18. Conjunctivitis.com thats a site for sore eyes. Tim Vine. Spell elephant,' the older one said. After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctors office. Try giving them one of these funny compliments! Math teacher: If I have three bottles in one hand and two in the other hand, what do I have? Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. When the waiter brings him the meal, he asks if they are genuine. Finally, he hollers, Hey! A priest is driving along a country road when a trooper pulls him over. 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners Submitted by D.T. Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. Im putting on my shoes!Anonymous. And how are the American students, Donald? she asked. The doctor says, Larry, everything looks great. I have to walk back alone.Submitted by Harry Klein, A distraught senior citizen dialed her doctors office. While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage.