Ive known people who thought of abortions as no big deal who opted to keep unexpected and poorly timed pregnancies, and people who thought theyd never consider an abortion but who ultimately ended up having one. And the case for this man gets more and more ridiculous. You are acting like child support is some sort of lottery win for the woman it is court ordered money that is to go towards the care of your child. SpaceySteph It doesnt make sense. Hell of course express things in a way that maximizes the chance of him not doing any more to hurt the LW than necessary. but he does not have the option to opt out entirely, which is something the pregnant woman can do. People in healthy relationships dont say that. You sure arent one. Only the woman did. And hes 28. But the important thing for you to know, as the mother of a child who may not ever know their biological father, is that your child wont miss what they never had. Its not right Im sure I wouldnt.! Can I interject for a moment and note that CUSTODY isnt generally whats tied to support; PLACEMENT is. However, I do find your mindset to be telling: And yet you still have sex with us The implication being that if a man has sex with a woman, they should be prepared to pay dearly for it for the rest of their lives. he was told that he could not have any children so i thought she wasnt his. If the woman wants to abort, then she can, but thats a decision she has to make because its happening inside her own body. 8. Termination of Parental rights does NOT absolve you from paying Child Support in the United States of America. Dont get me wrong, the child should be taken care of and taken responsibility for but it can never be the reason why you do or dont stay together that decision should be based purely on the possibility for a good relationship between you grown ups. Im just trying to clarify the parameters here. And as far as that man saying that he wants nothing to do with the woman or THE BABY shame on him. I doubt the conversation went like: Please have an abortion. Men are stupid and do stupid things, but so are women. There was a single picture of my ex-boyfriend, his then-girlfriend, and their first child. And, lo and behold, you arent coming across any better. Thank God for the laws in place protecting children against men like you. They had just gotten back together after finding out she was pregnant. Maybe she IS trying to entrap him. But you know what? When we got back together we had a lot of trust issues and found it hard to forgive one another. If you dont want a kid with a stranger then PULL OUT!!! Im not a woman hater happily married for 15 years, and I love my mother, my sister and even my mother-in-law. He is doing alot better. You mean, he should decide whether or not he leaves a kid constantly yearning for attention theyll never get? Why are you so obsessed with sex? I find it absurd that there is a debate about this guys right to have unprotected sex as if its ever a good idea. Since there is no way to guarantee pregnancy wont occur aside from proof of sterility, this righteous DW anger would likely be aimed at any man who didnt end up wanting the child (no matter what precautions had been taken), likely by the same people whod turn red in the face about any story where a man was forcibly stopping someone from getting an abortion. bittergaymark Ive done too many drugs and Id never write a letter like this XD. Story. But he SHOULD want to be involved in his childs life. Seriously? ele4phant Watch your language young lady! I think that it does, as most have pointed out, take two people to get pregnant. Again, not unusual, and since the LW and the guy were broken up, the LW has no claim to what the guy could do after the breakup. April 10, 2012, 6:52 pm. Im perfectly happy to share my experience with you! And finally we see what youre doing ranting about paternity laws and mens rights on a relationship advice site. Yet you are mad at the other women and not him? You experience a myriad of emotions, and sometimes, you feel guilty or even blame yourself for why the relationship ended.This is all the more reason why it feels like a big fat kick in the teeth to discover that your ex is an overlapper: s(he'd . Cant thank you enough for your response! Oh, and I really dislike when every accidental pregnancy letter we get on here because a huge fest for people throwing around you were too stupid to use a condom or you didnt try to prevent pregnancy at all, when we really have NO information regarding what precautions they did or did not take. female A female reader, iz07a +, writes (11 March 2010): my exboyfriend and i have been together for 5 yrs. Problem. I spoke with him a second time after many missed calls and he seemed really upset about his situation and begged me to talk to him. Thats true, but by the same token, wait a bit (a few days or at least a full conversation) to see if you can get along with someone on a basic level before jumping into bed with them. We started dateing again and have been for about 3 months and we have plans to save money and get an apartment. There is no rhyme or reason. The letter writers bf is furious at the woman having his child. Two. Typical female (notice I didnt use the word woman, because she isnt grown up enough to be one) wants to control every man and every bank account around her. Otherwise were looking at an extremely improbable event which the woman in question was able to predict with uncanny accuracy. On a side note: If the adoption had not occured and she went after him for support, he could contest it by stating that it would be detrimental to the child as he has no fatherly relationship with the child and introducing such a relationship so many years later would be harmful. If the man doesnt, apparently you feel that he should not have that option. Oh thank you thank you thank you! Ok, so this dude: The fact that only the woman has the abortion option is biology, not anyones opinion. Its not anyones fault, theres no one to blame. I just think that if he is saying he doesnt want a child then hes probably not fit to be a parent and the parent who does want a child is more fit. April 10, 2012, 9:06 pm. If he doesnt do this, and the woman gets pregnant anyways, he needs to show maturity and be responsible for his decisions. Except I acknowledged that was guesswork on my part. Guess what LW? I agree with SweetsandBeets. Hes an idiot either way. April 9, 2012, 9:19 pm, Note I said 99% of PEOPLE in that situation, not women. A month after we broke up, she started a new guy. I get unsettled and frustrated whenever I see my ex girlfriend's photos on Facebook with her boyfriend and pictures of the ultrasound of their baby. In order to build trust, the person must be trustworthy. Ummm sorry your comparison is ridiculous because in that case its 100% the fault of the person eating at the restaurant. He does nothing about the situation and when I try to talk about it, we never resolve the issue; he just says Im right but does nothing about it because she continues to do it. Chuck Pelto Furthest from the vagina, just saying. Now, I want to believe him, but in my rightful mind I know I will be so dumb to buy all that he is say. But I dont see anything in the letter that means he must be.. Yes, its true it is past the point. Not in the 50s or 60s and maybe not as late as the 80s but today the father gets joint custody. One common definition: a troll is someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, with the primary intent of provoking readers into an emotional response. BTW, believe it or not, I usually agree with the majority of the commenters here. So he and the LW should break up for good. He wants nothing to do with her OR the baby? feelingroovy People in healthy relationships say things like despite the circumstances that broke us up, we realized our relationship was worth working past those things by doing xyz Finally, the letter reads as a teenagers temper tantrum. lets_be_honest I think that is fair. April 9, 2012, 11:08 am. John Rohan April 9, 2012, 8:29 pm. April 10, 2012, 6:56 pm. He knows how to make a baby, and he knows how to avoid making a baby. April 9, 2012, 10:03 pm, God, are you REALLY this dense? Nor is there any guarantee that the woman who tells you that she doesnt want to have a baby wont change her mind when faced with that decision. So the law says, hey, you two created this child, you two are responsible for supporting it. You are arguing for NO abortion in cases of rape.. I think what you are forgetting in all of this is that a child is not a peanut. And this is the problem with having sex in a non-monogamous relationship and not fully protecting yourself. all the time i thought so until 1 faithful day, i got pregnant. April 9, 2012, 11:00 am. If a pregnancy results after you do the very thing you know can cause pregnancy you have no one to blame but yourself and whining about your lack of choices or the burden of what you must now do is unproductive and frankly, a little too late. I think shes nothing but a little scroat. Even if shes a lunatic psycho who got pregs on purpose, you have no one to blame but your boyfriend. I have nothing against casual sex or sex without a relationship, but you should still have some sort of base level of respect for the people you are banging. She left me for him and and now wants me back. Its fucking simple. And I think the LW is just as much of an ass or whatever other word you want to insert as the bf in question. You pack of hypocrites. Oh, and im missing the misogyny in that child support comment. You can look at it like women are lucky- they can opt out at the last minute! But, you couldnt let him go. haha I agree. bittergaymark The sex was good. Seriously, this makes my blood boil. reader, haley 22+, writes (22 June 2008): A I knew, but loved him so much, forgave him & said wed give each other some space, but when I gave that space, he just went on ahead & made this lady pregnant. Sure, lots of people take those chances. Girls dropped the single "So Typically Now" way back in July of last year, it was clear Meg Remy's next outing would continue the wild ride kicked off when . Take it from me, every man screws up at some point. Thats reality. Quit trying to dig into other peoples wallets to subsidize your lifestyle choices. I get what youre saying. You can have a relationship with someone with a child but you have to be ready for it. Now hes going to have to deal with it, even if he wants nothing to do with the childhis wallet will. Everyone is pretty much in agreement there. Not your body, not your choice. Youve given me a lot to think about in terms of my views on raising children that come out of short term flings and im appreciative for the insight. Baby, our apartment isnt big enough for a baby. These Are The 5 Signs Your Ex Is In A Rebound Relationship. LOL. reader, Silent wing+, writes (10 February 2010): A Risk reduction is not relevant, because the risk never goes to 0%. reader, bright.beautifulK90+, writes (24 November 2010): A Okay, Tim. It takes two to tango my dear your boyfriend is as much to blame as this woman. At this point, its an easy thing to resolve this without decades of support and animosity. Shutterstock. Exactly. I dont know why this posted as a reply to Honeybeenicki I tried to post it separately. Everyone was always on the pill, or the condom broke and plan b didnt work, or things like that. )boyfriend who got the woman pregnant. April 10, 2012, 6:21 pm, And yet men still keep having sex with us. He apologized for not telling me sooner. Some said he deserved the label because he exposed the LW to STDs. Thank you, Roxy84! Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? By clicking Sign Up, you agree to our And if you arent ready for a child, then use a goddamn condom. Well, that part is pretty easy, since its the way things work now. A month after the abortion, while I waited for my luggage at the baggage claim, three babies surrounded me, all under a year. But even though I led you to believe I didnt want to become pregnant, Im going to have the baby anyway and thereby obligate you to two decades of support.. Really!? I dont think she should have any sort of legal say about the decision to keep the baby, but I dont think shes committing some horrendous crime for judging it. He can be one he better be one- and still be a loyal partner to you. I could maybe understand if he was 19 and didnt know what to do. So the man in there He should probably act responsibly too. April 10, 2012, 4:51 pm. Actually, pulling out has a 4% failure rate versus 2% for condoms for perfect use. They are all pointing out that the bf is equally responsible for the childs existence and should respect her right to choose.Not only that but they advise the LW to consider her bf role in this drama and not take her anger out on the pregnant woman (who owes her nothing), John Rohan You dont get to badmouth this woman just because she wont get an abortion that YOU and your boyfriend want her to get. If hes such an awful scumbag, why would you want to force him to be a father. he gets another girl pregnant while you are on a break, your fault. April 9, 2012, 3:42 pm. Now Im confused. Youre expecting women to put the penis of some guy theyve known for two minutes in their mouth?!?!?!?! That is not her fault. pretty sure he is actually an extreme pro-lifer who is playing into his rhetoric backwards. April 10, 2012, 7:06 pm. This woman might very well be lying. Theres no statement suggesting that he tried to browbeat the woman into getting an abortion. I think that the thing to keep in mind is that the angry ranters are really just a very vocal minority. I think this man, regardless his quality of character in other situations, demonstrates good foresight in deciding that no, hes not ready to be a father. Sue Jones If its dude and hes a brain surgeon or something and shes a hot part-time bartender, his child support will be assessed at an amount that will put her in decent rent, a mercedes car payment and plenty left over for nice clothes and dining out, with an occasional weekend getaway thrown in the mix. But dont be surprised if he gets slapped with child support responsibilities b/c he couldnt be responsible enough to prevent pregnancy it takes two. Please let your sons know that, whether you agree that its fair or not, that is the way it works because if they end up whining about paying to support a kid with their DNA it will accomplish nothing but to make them look ignorant. During the time we both were studying for the bar, we were on a break. If I got pregnant by a guy who begged me to have one, I would tell him if he doesnt want this child he can just fuck off and I will raise him/her but I will not kill my own child for him. bittergaymark You may love and care for this man and attack the other women all day long, but at the end of the day, you do not have a relationship and nothing has changed. I think both you and JR are twisting this around to make it sound like we dont like the dude because were prudes who dont believe in casual sex, or that were siding with the LW or something, when most of us actually said that we believe that the LW is as scumy as the dude. ColorsOfTheWind makes excellent points, and I agree; however, Id quibble with the phrase grown-up problems. I chose to have a baby. . She got pregnant. Our resident male troll is back and defending his gender. It doesnt matter how nicely you do it. This desicion has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Imagine the following scenarios. I would love, just ONCE on this site, for one of the male commenters to address shitty man behavior. Its very clear that you care a great deal about the quality of your childs life and emotional well-being. She experiences an allergic reaction and has to be rushed to the hospital. There is no inherent unfairness in current laws child support is gender-blind. lets_be_honest The plain truth is your boyfriend did not think about the consequences of unprotected sex (STDs anyone?) Furthermore, dont tell me what to do with my body and I wont tell you what to do with yours, little girl. WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM, LW? This baby will need a dad, not just a check, and if he can walk away from this child he can walk away from you just as easily. April 10, 2012, 11:41 am. It seems like the LW is painting the woman in this scenario as the sole person responsible for the pregnancy. Oh, may be you should marry him and fantasize what kind of fun he is having whenever hes late coming home, or fearful he would leave you when you, like that woman, passed 40; or be told to get rid of your baby who is inconvenient to him. 1. He could be imaginary. April 9, 2012, 4:39 pm. Consider that this child will be a drain on his resources, and possibly yours as well if you marry. Stop insulting her and learn to see the situation for what it really is. Babies come from the hospital. Because otherwise, society would, if you could never work again and started collecting welfare, etc. Already Tired of the Baby Malarky. Homosexual couples dont HAVE to adopt. I do think that in their blind rage, some of the commenters have backed themselves into the position that men become the property of any woman they sleep with, as well as their exs. Guy Friday Its not right Im sure I wouldnt. However, sure, something unexpected and life-altering happened to him, and hes upset, so surely hes an idiot. In a feature I call Your Turn, in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, Im presenting the following letter without commentary from me: I told him to stay with her and have this family as I dont want to be any cause for them breaking up, but he told me there was no way he was staying with her because he cant stand her. whose pregnancy and right to bear the child are apparently sacrosanct.-yep, true story He gets a girl pregnant and then tells her to get rid of it because its an inconvenience for him to have to deal with it? lets_be_honest Thus, her meal is tainted with traces of peanuts. Honestly, why would you want to put yourself in a permanent relationship who a) has encouraged his baby mommy to abort the child for the sake of convenience and 2) who has sex with people he cannot stand? That child has done nothing wrong and doesnt deserve to be thrown in the middle of these grown-up problems. No, thats the kids money. Please help. No matter what happens, if you open a bottle of coca-cola and it explodes, taking off your arm in the process, Coke pays you damages for it. Not everyone believes that. I mean, he loved the baby mama enough to get erected & to bang her & to just release evrything to make her pregnant, & what the fuck am I thinking?!?!? Oh no! Whether that be by having the child, supporting the child, adoption, abortion, whatever. Dont let him use you because his life is in chaos now. Run as if your life depends on it because it does. I can assume, at age 40, this man may not want to have children ever, but he knows how babies are made. I never really got over him and he never got over me. The outlet revealed that Tristan's third child, a baby boy, is due on December 3 . I dont think anyone thinks hes an ass for having sex with someone after a split. If he wore a condom and if she was on the pill, hes an idiot because what? You dont really get a say in this matter. It takes a man to be a father. Both agreed to cut him out entirely, up to and including child support, so that he was free of any obligation. She asked what to do with this guy. And the world goes round. Doesnt matter if the owner of cocacola sat down with you and discussed the possible risk of opening a bottle and what you would both do if something went wrong. 2. When two people opt to have not conceive by mistake but instead carry through to birth a child, they should be obligated to that child. SweetsAndBeats Fury at the woman he impregnated is misdirected. But cest la vie. I cant help but think just as she has a choice to abort, keep or put up for adoption, he too has a choice and while not admirable, it may be for the best. Both sexes suffer from inequalities in the reproductive process due to biology. This is my question for you. Im pretty sure we can all agree on that? I dont think you are right to try to make him stay with her. You dont ask women to have abortions unless youre scum. April 9, 2012, 1:35 pm. Its not fair to create more fucked up human beings by being the father a kid never had; by making them think theres something about them that wasnt good enough. Why, my God, you could have hit a chid running out in the street. Seriously. The man should have no say on whether or not she keeps the baby but she should have a LOT of say over his finances for the next 18 years. thats just dumb. Hes not obligated to be there emotionally, especially if he made it clear to the woman that he did not want this baby in the first place. Theres many reasons besides wanting a mans money to not get an abortion. I recommend you seek individual therapy and process your feelings. Its not that bad (though Ill take an IUDs 0.6%, thanks). at risk of STDs. It is amazing to me to see the vitriol that men are carrying on with talking about paying money towards the health and well being of a child that they helped create. Of all the methods, IV drug use is the most effective. The more you fight for another womans man, the more desperate you look. People surely arent calling him scum for not taking responsibility, because hes apparently going to provide support. That support is not hers. Also who goes around talking about how he cant stand the mother of his child? Yeah, I believe that means he must be., I believe the definition of an immature asshole is a 40-year-old man who wont own up to his responsibility to be a father to the baby he had equal part in creating.. 1970 Mustang Mach I "Synergy Green Pearl"351 Cleveland - Fuel Injection "The Rattle Shaker" Complete nut and bolt rotisserie restoration LESS than 500 miles by C.A.R.S. LW, why are you directing all of your anger at this other woman? Why you waste any time belly aching about how unfair it is, is beyond me. She wants to live in a dorm with her friends and no way is she missing weeks of school to give birth. April 9, 2012, 11:16 am, Oh, good lord. According to DeCrow, he shouldnt even have to pay child support, because thats fundamentally unfair. You bolster my case by agreeing that he can share responsibility with the mother or simply provide support but he does not have the option to opt out entirely, which is something the pregnant woman can do. 4) The boyfriend, especially given his age (and that this cant be blamed on youthful impulsiveness), doesnt look the best in this scenario. Cmon now, youd never buy that argument for forcing the woman to have the child. Because the woman in question has to take on being pregnant for 9 months, giving birth, etc. Im not exactly sure that the one million people currently estimated to be living in the U.S. would agree with you, but I am fairly certain the 500,000 dead definitely wouldnt. Then how does the woman get off require the man to do it? Just sayin there are options, oral being only one of them. As a woman, I have to take responsibility that any man I have sex with may very well walk away from me never to be heard from again leaving me with a child to raise alone. Thats nature, Tim. He can bang the neighbor, the lunch lady, and his friendly neighborhood bartenderwhoever. Now after checking his texts, why did you confront the other women? He's got to focus on his ex and tell himself she wants to be with him and not the other man in the long run. If someone decides to risk becoming a parent by having sex, especially unprotected sex, or by letting a pregnancy continue to the point where a baby is born, they are consenting to be responsible for any child that is produced. At least, as a woman, you have that option. April 10, 2012, 9:46 pm. Women why do we allow men to sleep with us while they are drunk again..my god.I wont say dont continue your relationship but it will be hard. Only the fools. TOTALLY USING THAT. Everyone seems to assume he didnt use a condom, but nothing in the letter says that. So people got together, decided coke is in the best position to pay if its bottles explode and there you are. Both a man and a woman are needed to create a baby. P.P.S. But even though I led you to think I didnt want to become pregnant, Im going to keep the baby and thereby obligate you to two decades of child support, is, while totally within her rights, still a massive breach of the pre-coital understanding, express and implied, between the parties. Calling the women here honey is pretty condescending, Steve. "The best way to move through a breakup while pregnant is to let the feelings flow," says McDermott. Please read our Comment Policy before commenting. His anger is unwarranted unless its directed at himself. In fact, step aside from the situation (my advice to you). When you give your child up for adoption, you are giving him or her to people who really want a child and are prepared financially and emotionally to give that child support. Its a crappy scenarios but shit happens, and theres really nothing YOU can do about it. April 11, 2012, 2:00 am, John Rohan I vehemently disagree when it is not in that order. However, my father got primary physical placement, and my mother got 4 hours of visitation a week, and THAT is what dictated child support (or would have if she could have afforded to pay it). He says he cant stand her? Unfortunately, your boyfriend may have gotten another woman pregnant. One of the draw backs of only knowing someone for a short period of time. The argument is that Im on birth control. is not the same as I will not get pregnant from this sexual encounter. You know how babies are made. Besides, he made that choice a long time ago when you broke up the first time. Really stupid. So the system is very one sided. and now he must deal with those consequences. However, an absent father does not always result in an emotionally crippled child. Chuck Pelto I know you have to keep the possibility in the back of your mind, but youve really been ready and willing for motherhood every time youve decided to sleep with someone? female We all know breakups are painful. Regardless, this guy obviously doesnt seem like anyone you want to be in a relationship with. Sorry for the crass language. anyway, well, I've been discovering that I found out she's pregnant by someone last oct that she met. They look at it as their child, no matter who the mother is. Im not saying its a trivial thing, but its nothing compared to birth. Anyway, people are calling him scum for having unprotected sex with a woman he was dating. lets_be_honest Either_Coconut 3 mo. I hope the LW takes note of the fact that Amandas comment currently has 61 likes. The carpenter asks his brother to impregnate his wife via IVF using the carpenters sperm. Men AND women have walked away from children. lets_be_honest This doesnt arise from the rights of the mother. If theres anyone whos unfairly been put in this mess, its not you its the baby. reader, Laura1318+, writes (25 January 2008): A They probably hang out for a few weeks more, she kind of gets on his nerves for whatever reason and starts to bug the shit out of him. These are not discussions about angels dancing on the head of a pin there is a child that needs financial support during his/her life. Well he will still have to pay child support. reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2008): A Have you ever seen an episode of the Maury show or any other talk drama show? Francine But if that rape victim gave birth to the child, dropped it on the rapists doorstep and left, its highly probable that the law would pursue her for child support. Youve seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author ofThe Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel All Alone in Their Marriages, keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit showBraxton Family Values.